Yarns to Tell

The Unexplained

“This is what I believe: That I am I. That my soul is a dark forest. That my known self will never be more than a little clearing in the forest. That gods, strange gods, come forth from the forest into the clearing of my known self, and then go back. That I must have the courage to let them come and go. That I will never let mankind put anything over me, but that I will try always to recognize and submit to the gods in me and the gods in other men and women. There is my creed.”

-D.H. Lawrence

After I came across this quote and read it a few times, I remembered that I read Women In Love many years ago. Was it in 2000 when I was there for the Gif-sur-Yvette wedding? Perhaps. I know I bought it at Shakespeare and Company while wandering the streets of Paris on my own, which I have had the great fortune of doing more than once. Nice memories. 

I decided to read up on Lawrence as I really don't know that much about him. After glimpsing through his biography, and seeing his great lifetime struggle as a writer, I read the following:

"He was a writer who constantly struggled to find and to articulate the experience, not of a body or mind or spirit, but of the whole person.  This was what he wrote about most tellingly, and what he himself insisted on remaining, to the end of his life.

My most recent study that I am delving into is Steiner's lectures from Spiritual Guidance of Man and Mankind. I just read last night that it takes many years for us to gain any understanding or insight as to why we have made choices or behaved certain ways. This is due to spiritual forces beyond our control. 

I often think of the paths that have led me to where I am today. Mostly having to do with my interest in anthroposophy and Waldorf education. Also, considering who I married, the family I have created, and the friends with whom I have formed strong relationships. Or, maybe even having to do with a book, for whatever reason, I picked up in a Parisian bookstore.

I love considering that throughout my life, within my own dark forest, there has been an exchange occuring between myself and the spiritual world. To surrender to that possibilty provides a sense of comfort. Relief, to know that my conscious self does not always have to try to make perfect sense of the world...or myself.

For I am just I. And, with an open heart, I strive to surrender to all that will remain unexplained.

Comfort

Life, for the most part, is comfortable. Things are moving along and progressing just as they should be. In fact, beyond what I had hoped in many regards. Along with comfort, there is often excitement, pride, and warmth from such engagement with life. While most is welcomed on this path of following my bliss, some of it can be quite daunting, overwhelming, and, well, uncomfortable.

Why is it that I can't get enough pigment onto the paper? What am I afraid of? Do I really have to present a research project in front of seventy people? Can I pull off a demo lesson in two weeks for a potential job? How will I structure this presentation to engage my classmates artistically? What is the true motivation behind my action?

In bearing myself, I am vulnerable. Open to being seen beyond just my physical body. Whether through the analysis of a painting or my weaving together of a lesson, the inner me is being called upon.

Through this process I have begun to notice something in particular. I haven't been able to articulate it for some time, and am really still at the tip of the iceberg. This opening up, or revealing of myself also releases something. Some part of me becomes free. When something is freed, there is space to welcome in new. A new understanding perhaps, or a greater sense of connection. 

We are quite complex beings, we humans. If my sense is correct, then the more I can gain insight into myself, the better understanding I'll have of those around me. To have an understanding of human development, specifically child development is necessary for a teacher. To be able to observe others and notice what is going on is crucial. To have empathy and the ability to truly meet a person is an art. 

Clumsily, I will tread along, remaining true and focused on the process. For it is only through the process of discomfort that I can strive to free myself and find true comfort in the world.

 

Three Valentines

One of my favorite days. Happy Valentine's Day! 

(Or, birthday, as Lulu is still exclaiming.)

Coconut muffins, berries, flowers, and love notes.

We can always use another excuse to find yet, another way to express our love, don't you think?

3 and 39

What a surprise of a birthday week it was for me this year. Turning 39 was celebrated with a pre-birthday fondue dinner with near and dear friends, singing with my school mates, a rainy morning reading with my (almost) three year old, lunch delivered by my sister, chocolate cheesecake, a first dinner date out for just the two of us in way too long, flowers that are still blooming, cards that are still being read, and a mandarin tree that is ready to be planted with its already plentiful fruit. Really, what more could I ask for?

And, for my February birthday partner, turning three (or, tree) involved months of birthday build up and self created gifts (drawings rolled up and taped for her surprise), excitement and pride in a celebration just for her, Grams and Grandpa, near and dear friends of her own choosing, a polka-dot-tangerine cake, brother seated right by her side and sharing in the excitement, a new hand knit sweater, a handmade quilt and gifts still arriving.

How fortunate I am to share this special month with my favorite girl.

These Two

The things that come out of their mouths. I often think, I have to write that down! But, of course, I forget to, or more likely, I get distracted. As I happen to be sitting here and remembering, here they are from today:

Lulu: Daddy put his finger through the fire of the candle.

Me: Well, that's not a good idea.

Lulu: Well, he is a man and it's his choice.

---

Julian: Four plus four is eight and five plus five is ten. There's something wrong with numbers.

Me: What's wrong with numbers?

Julian: There's nothing to put together to make nine.

Happy New Year!

Calm

"In calmness of soul, we can learn how to respond rather than to react."

                                                                                                    -Rudolf Steiner

 

When I read these words recently, they struck me in many ways. In my own busy life, I seek calmness, making great effort to 'schedule' in time for just that. To allow for thought, reflection, and connection to others in the world. Not always so easy to do in our fast paced, distracting world. Not easy especially when struck with news of great tragedy. Still, I continue on, striving for calmness of soul.

Celebrating

With a good old fashioned birthday party, planned by none other than my dearest, Chris celebrated his 41st exactly as he should have: tailgating an A's game during one of the most exciting seasons. Indian summer, surrounded by fans, friends, food and that carefree feeling that only tailgating offers made for a great day. Of course, ending with a victory, and an exciting one at that, was pretty nice, too.

Of course, there was cake, too. This year's was chocolate, sauerkraut and both the making and eating of it was enjoyed by all. Julian's response? "This is the best cake in the United States!"

A Window

On September 14th, just a week or so into kindergarten, Julian got a 'window' into a new world. With this, comes a new phase for my growing boy. I imagine that so much of his adjusting to the new routine of kindergarten is also an adjustment to the bigger changes he is undergoing. 

Loosened by an almond at school, and then released entirely a week later by an apple, the tooth disappeared. He came to me stating, "Mama, I can't feel my loose tooth anymore." 

I assured him that the tooth fairy always finds the teeth she must collect. And, indeed, the next morning, Julian discovered a note and a gem stone under his pillow. She had magically found and transformed his first lost tooth. 

Transitioning

I am finding our family transitioning into many new endeavors, each one of us. With school on the weekends for me, my life feels so rich. I have not come down from my gratitude high yet and still wonder if I'll get pinched out of my dreamy state.

With Julian back in school, but now as a big kindergartner, Lulu and I are spending our mornings together. Just she and I. A park, a cafe, home to work with mama in the kitchen or garden? It's all amazingly fun, and valuable. I am cherishing these moments with her, just as I did with Julian. There is really something special about a two year old companion. They may just understand the world better than most.

Last week, Lulu and I began our Sunflower class (I stand corrected on the Sweet Pea title of the class, and am so happy we did not plant Sweet Peas alongside the Hollyhock! Can sunflowers be planted in September?!) She cried and cried that she could not go to 'school' on Sunday morning this weekend, if that's any indication about how much she loved it. Before class, we took a little walk through the nearby park. She ate her snack, I knit, and of course, captured her in a few pictures as my emotions were quite wrapped up in this little girl and all that we are embracing.