Yarns to Tell

Anticipation

Today marks 36 weeks. Or, nine months, for those who don't count in weeks like most pregnant women. The baby will be considered full term next week. Considering that Julian came at week 38, I've prepared myself for this possibility. My typical response to When are you due? has been end of February/beginning of March. 

I love being pregnant. But, sadly I've spent very little time relishing in this pregnancy. No prenatal massages (although much needed and soon to be booked!) My favorite book about preparing for birth has been opened maybe twice. A name has still not been chosen. 

The next weeks will be spent preparing for this little one and focusing on my experience. Afterall, this may very well be my last pregnancy. The back pain, sore feet, and the big belly are all part of my everyday realities. But, so is the movement of this little girl, the connection of our bodies, and the breath and sense of calm I am finding to help me when she is ready for birth.

Too adorable to describe, are Julian's words to baby sister as he snuggles the belly with a good morning. As he searches around, identifying body parts like a pro. As he talks about when she comes, convinced that she won't cry. 

Aaah, we are all in for some surprises as we venture into this new dimension of four!

On the Eve of New

This evening, I'm not doing too much drinking...or thinking for that matter. I'd like to say that I am spending my sober (pregnant) New Year's reflecting and meditating on all past endeavors and future hopes. But on the eve of this new year, I feel the presence of so much change to come. I'm on the eve of something much more than just 2010.

In thinking about a new year, I mostly feel eager to meet my new baby girl in a couple of months. I feel anxious thinking about life with two and how much my relationship will have to change with Julian. I feel nervous about not working for awhile again and the financial strain that will bring. I feel grateful to have a strong relationship with my partner and to grow our family. That's pretty much as far as I can see into the new year. And, that's fine. 

All newness will come and I hope to welcome it best I can when it arrives. As for now, I'll just be conscious of the introspection I need to prepare for it all.

Merry Making

There has been much merry making around here this month with five family birthdays, the yearly cookie swap and all the other Christmas festivities. But, aaah, Christmas is done. My body is recuperating, while finally just sitting and enjoying the Christmas lights on our now, very dry tree.

Committing to a Christmas of handmade gifts was hard. I thought that my early start in summer would allow all to go smoothly, but I just can't operate that way. Ideas changed, supplies changed, realities changed...and many of my gifts were finished on Christmas Eve. However, it was done, and I thank my weekly knitting buddies for the inspiration as we all worked hard in attempt to meet this goal.

Next year, I will not make fresh gnocchi on Christmas morning, I will take better measurements, I will make my own wrapping paper again, but probably not the Christmas cards, and I will remember that taking it a bit slower this year made the season really enjoyable. 

The Earth Goes Round the Sun

...the Earth goes round the sun, the Earth goes round the sun and now Julian is one. 

Repeat until you get to three and that was how we lit each candle on the cake before singing Happy Birthday this weekend. Julian held an 'Earth' and walked around the table, or sun with a following of friends singing warmly. He was so proud.

Julian's one request was that a real fairy come to his party after seeing a Fairy Queen last weekend at a Winter Fairy Festival. I contacted all of my fairy connections, but thought the wish would go ungranted. Sent out an email to the parents a couple days before saying that dressing up as a fairy, elf, or gnome was optional. The sweetest little creations arrived at our doorstep. Going to sleep that night, I asked Julian if a real fairy came to his party. He nodded yes, and said, "My friends."

When I mentioned to Julian that tomorrow, the fourteenth is his real birthday, he looked confused and said, "My friends came to my pretend birthday?" What a smarty pants, and I agree, it is confusing to know what's real and what's pretend.

A Royal Halloween

Halloween festivities began Friday by pumpkin carving with friends. Julian jumped as a triangular eye popped out toward him upon the final cut. Three boys, sharing shape and coloring ideas, to then admire their candlelit lanterns after the sun went down - what fun. Oh, and delicious pumpkin pie for dessert that night - it just doesn't get better than that.

The costume choices this year were between a gnome, an alligator (which I think really meant a dinosaur), and a prince. Prince won, which was a relief, considering I needed to make it Friday. Even better, thanks to some fabric in my stash and a friend's, nothing had to be purchased to complete it!

After a day at the Piedmont Ave parade, a visit to Grams' spooky witch's house for some hot apple cider and cookies was the special treat for the evening. Through cauldrons of dry ice, skeletons, and cobwebs, we made our way to the witch, who was quite frightening until it was discovered that she really was just Grams. We returned home for chili and cornbread with cousin Huddy and to receive trick or treaters of our own. Topping off our meal with a pumpkin dessert (thank you, Lora!) we ended our evening with a surprise visit from friends. Not recognizing them, Julian came running into the living room exclaiming, "The trick or treaters are coming inside!"

This morning, just moments after waking up, Julian shared with me that, "Halloween is really fun." What a joyous holiday. 

Wedding Gift

Yesterday, I attended a beautiful wedding. The bride became like a fourth daughter to my mother after the two have worked together for many years. She attended my wedding in Switzerland and I was honored to attend hers, as well. 

I spent the days prior to the wedding, busily knitting for the bride and groom. A gift of hand knit washcloths, packaged in a basket with some other goodies on a bed of rose petals was the final product. These were so fun to make, I think I'll be making some more for upcoming gifts.

Congratulations to the newlyweds!

Changing Seasons

Fall entered this year with a sudden crispness and change in light. I welcomed it wholeheartedly. Oranges, yellows, reds. The colors of the changing leaves, the colors of the growing fruits and vegetables. The scarves, mittens, socks. The winding down of summer outings and busyness, traded for a more introspective time. This change of season seems to be the one that affects me most. Invigorating but calming.

Inspired to bake more, I've experimented a bit with a new sourdough recipe that produces a lighter loaf. Tips I've learned: use a recipe that includes yeast instead of just relying on the starter, cover the rising dough with plastic wrap to trap in the heat, and let the rise go as long as needed until the dough is bubbly and has doubled in size. Having some fun with braiding and learning some other shaping techniques as well. 

Hosted a dinner last night, serving Acorn Squash Risotto, Kale with Cranberries, a loaf fresh from the oven served with brie and a fruit compote. Dessert was a platter of figs, red grapes, roasted walnuts, and chocolates. Warmed the bellies and satisfied the color palette of fall nicely. 

And, finally, after 19 weeks, I have my first shot of the belly. In snapping shots of the garden, I noticed the bulge intruding into the space of the lens. Baby is becoming more and more visible, making its way into our lives. With the calmness that comes to me with the season (and an appointment with a midwife), I turn my attention to the remaining months of harvesting this little being. 

Life, and Its Conditions

Big sigh...this is a story that many of us have been hearing lately. One of frustration, defeat, vulnerability. All pertaining to healthcare...or lack, thereof.

When I made the decision to not return to work full time after Julian was born, I had no idea what price I would eventually pay. Would I have made any other decision? Absolutely not. However, the lack of security from leaving one's job was not part of my thinking as my attention was focused on motherhood and finding independent work options in education. 

Due to Chris' 'independent' status as well, we would both have to pay for individual health plans...with now a third to apply for. I submitted my application right away to continue with the coverage I had through my employer, but was shocked to have gotten denied, "due to your history of in vitro fertilization." That's a pre-existing condition? No, you have it all wrong. The condition is my husband's, which led to our having no other option to conceive. I've delivered one (yes, single embryo) healthy baby, and yet I am prevented from having insurance? No Blue Cross for five years after IVF, in case you didn't know. Okay, I'll pursue good ol' Kaiser then. They should accept me, right?

I wasn't so sure. In comparing plans, I realized that I'd be paying more than $100 more per month for a plan that includes labor and delivery. Well, there were no chances of that happening unexpectedly. So, I applied for the less expensive plan that covered prenatal, but excluded the day of. 

When the time came to seriously consider trying for a second, I applied for the plan that I would need. The application was never processed, even after I had phoned to follow up and was told it would be expedited. I then had to reapply. I assure you, time spent on the Kaiser website, or on the phone navigating the Kaiser phone tree is no fun. After submitting the second application, with appointments already happening with the endocrinologist, my heart dropped when I received the denial letter. 

I welcomed this embryo into my womb not knowing where the end of my pregnancy would occur. At home with a midwife, and hopeful for no need of a hospital intervention? In a county hospital...could I really imagine giving birth at Highland? I applied to AIM, but was denied due to what I thought was income requirements, but ended up being bureaucracy and paperwork problems. I appealed to Kaiser with a letter from our endocrinologist stating that we implanted a single embryo, so no chance for multiples at birth. Denied.

After a week or so of feeling depressed, and shedding many a tear, I began wondering if our decisions to have creative work schedules were worth it. Maybe we were living a fantasy and really needed to 'buckle down' and 'pay our dues' in order to receive the benefits of healthcare.

But, then I started to look at the big picture. I started to breathe again. To have both parents active in their child's daily life, keeping daycare to a minimum should be choices valued in our society, right? Although they're clearly not, that doesn't mean that we don't have the option to value this lifestyle for our family. Unprotected, not having one of the most basic 'securities' offered through an employer, I came to a place where I knew this baby would come into the world one way or another, and all would be fine.

I called Medi-Cal because I didn't know what else to do for an uninsured pregnant lady like myself. Worried that income requirements would be an issue, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that I qualify simply because I am pregnant. Finally, things were working in my favor! Less than one week later, I received my benefits card, which I never imagined being so happy to possess. No more anxieties or 'what ifs' around a $20k medical bill (cost of a natural childbirth), or heaven forbid the exorbitant costs of any interventions that might occur along the way. 

Still unsure as to where I'll deliver (Alta Bates, Kasier, home?), I am relieved to have some sense of security. Healthcare Options should return my call soon to bring some clarity to this, and we'll be on our way, with a new doctor, preparing for this birth.

In sum, I am more than willing and capable to pay for my (very expensive) individual healthcare. Denied, due to my 'pre-existing condition,' which would not have occurred if I remained under my employer's plan, I am left with Medi-Cal as my option for birth coverage. Should I, or any parent sacrifice the relationship with a child to work full time solely for the security of healthcare? No. Do I regret my situation? Yes, in this country, I most certainly do.

A New Life

Early this morning, I experienced something that I'm not sure I even realize what the effect will be. A new life came into this world. My dear friend warned me before going to bed that tonight may be the night. She began contractions at 8:30pm, and by 1am I was called to her house to witness the birth only 35 minutes later. 

Entering a room, where a woman is laboring is quite emotional. She was clearly in the throes of intense labor and was experiencing a lot of pressure, but none of us realized just how soon the baby would come. Her water had not yet broken. Suddenly, with one last scream, out came not just a baby, but the entire sac. This baby was born in the caul, or in the sac. Completely harmless, but very rare. Also, thought to be spiritual and a sign of good luck. 

My eyes were blinded by so many tears, but as the designated photographer, I was busy trying to capture these moments as best I could. Still attached and snuggled on mama's tummy, we had not yet looked to see the sex of this new being. Somehow, it didn't even matter.

Older sister was awoken and invited into the room to help identify if she had a baby brother or sister. Still half asleep, and quite overwhelmed, dad helped her to announce,"It's a girl." 

I crawled back into bed around 4am, but couldn't fall asleep. The images and thoughts consumed my mind. As I lay in bed, trying to process all that I had just seen, I held onto my own belly and thought about my experience to come in only six months. 

Whether I have a homebirth or not, I was forced last night to face the reality that I am having another baby, and all that goes with that. That's a good thing since I haven't felt quite as connected to the idea of pregnancy this time around. Isn't this common with second pregnancies? Now that the nausea has subsided, I can begin to prepare mentally and emotionally for this baby's birth. Not to mention, figure out where I'll deliver.

Thank you, dear friends, for inviting me into this amazing moment for your family. 

And, welcome to our world, baby girl.

(Photo taken two weeks later.)

Summer Vacation

For whatever reason, upon return from our one vacation this summer to the Rogue River in Southern Oregon, we are exhausted. Even though sleeping in (and yes, staying up late as well) was a common occurrence, we can't shake this jet-lagged feeling. Is it possible to have too much relaxation? Lazy days in the hot Oregon weather contributed, but we're back to overcast mornings and cool evenings. I'm thinking that once we get back to our normal routines, things will improve.

To try to encourage that along, I made a loaf of sourdough bread yesterday, which set overnight to be baked this morning. Eaten immediately with melting butter and eggs...yes, this will surely help.

Anyway, here are some snapshots of our adventures. (Creek walk in Lithia Park, Ashland, and a boat ride and hike around Lost Creek Lake. The rest of the time was mostly spent with the backdrop of the Rogue River above, or better known as Grandma's River.)