“This is what I believe: That I am I. That my soul is a dark forest. That my known self will never be more than a little clearing in the forest. That gods, strange gods, come forth from the forest into the clearing of my known self, and then go back. That I must have the courage to let them come and go. That I will never let mankind put anything over me, but that I will try always to recognize and submit to the gods in me and the gods in other men and women. There is my creed.”
After I came across this quote and read it a few times, I remembered that I read Women In Love many years ago. Was it in 2000 when I was there for the Gif-sur-Yvette wedding? Perhaps. I know I bought it at Shakespeare and Company while wandering the streets of Paris on my own, which I have had the great fortune of doing more than once. Such memories.
I decided to read up on Lawrence as I really don't know that much about him. After glimpsing through his biography, and seeing his great lifetime struggle as a writer, I read the following:
"He was a writer who constantly struggled to find and to articulate the experience, not of a body or mind or spirit, but of the whole person. This was what he wrote about most tellingly, and what he himself insisted on remaining, to the end of his life.
My most recent study that I am delving into is Steiner's lectures from Spiritual Guidance of Man and Mankind. I just read last night that it takes many years for us to gain any understanding or insight as to why we have made choices or behaved certain ways. This is due to spiritual forces beyond our control.
I often think of the paths that have led me to where I am today. Mostly having to do with my interest in anthroposophy and Waldorf education. Also, considering who I married, the family I have created, and the friends with whom I have formed strong relationships. Or, maybe even having to do with a book, for whatever reason, I picked up in a Parisian bookstore.
I love considering that throughout my life, within my own dark forest, there has been an exchange occuring between myself and the spiritual world. To surrender to that possibilty provides a sense of comfort. Relief, to know that my conscious self does not always have to try to make perfect sense of the world...or myself.
For I am just I. And, with an open heart, I strive to surrender to all that will remain unexplained.